Riddle Me Medieval
by Kinsey Adelaide
Summary: Robin and Kid Flash go after the Riddler, who is using medieval riddles in his latest crime.
1. Chapter 1

**A different version of this story (with an OC) was originally posted in Nightwing, but this fandom is more active so I decided to change the story up and try it here.  
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**My real job involves the middle ages, so I want to spread awareness of this awesome time period.  
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**Disclaimer: I don't own Robin, Kid Flash, Alfred, or the Riddler. I don't even own the riddles! Obviously, DC owns Robin et al, but you can find the text of the riddles here: www2 dotkenyon dot edu / AngloSaxonRiddles / texts dot htm**

**Wally knows Dick's real identity!  
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><p><strong>Riddle Me Medieval<br>**

"The fun has arrived," Kid Flash announced, appearing in the Batcave after having teleported there from Mount Justice. He looked over at Robin, who was sitting at the BatComputer. "You rang?"

Robin peeled his eyes from the screen and smiled. "Yeah. I was hoping you could help me tonight. Bruce is out of town, and Alfred," he jerked his head backwards, indicating Alfred, who was standing behind him placidly dusting...something, "Alfred doesn't want me working alone."

"Quite right, Master Dick," Alfred chimed in. "There is no reason to take unnecessary risks."

Kid Flash grinned and shrugged his shoulders. "Sure, what else am I going to do? It's either this or homework. Who's the villain?"

"Please be someone cool, please be someone cool," Kid Flash pleaded to himself.

"It's the Riddler," Robin announced, knowing Kid Flash would be pleased. The Riddler was interesting without being too insane. Unlike Joker, he was not the stuff that nightmares are made of.

"Yes!" Kid Flash cried, making a cha-ching motion in the air. "I am so excited. This might actually be better than chemistry homework."

"Nerd," Robin teased. Kid Flash stuck his tongue out at him. Of course, Robin had already turned back towards the BatComputer and didn't even notice. With his tongue waggling, Wally did a little dance, hoping to attract Robin's attention. When that didn't work, Kid Flash announced, "I'm sticking my tongue out at you."

"Duly noted. And incredibly mature." Dick turned and grinned broadly at Wally, though, just to be sure the speedster knew he was teasing. Wally had known, of course, and gave him a thumbs-up.

"Soooo, what are the riddles?"

Robin rubbed the back of his neck. This was a tad awkward. "Uhhh, well, the riddles are a bit unusual this time."

"They are quite inappropriate," Alfred interjected. "Downright salacious."

Kid Flash's interest was certainly piqued. "Well, I have to see them now."

Robin handed him a piece of paper on which he had printed the riddles. Kid Flash read through them quickly and paused. Something seemed familiar about these riddles; he felt like he had heard them before. Closing his eyes, Kid Flash reached into the far recesses of his memory, back where he stored school information that was not related to science. He saw his English teacher droning on about "what came after _Beowulf_" and he began laughing.

Robin shifted uncomfortably while trying to hide a grin. To be honest, he had thought the riddles were pretty funny, too, but Alfred had been scandalized and he didn't want the faithful butler/grandfather to think he had a dirty, puerile mind. Apparently Kid Flash had no such qualms.

"The Riddler didn't write these," Kid Flash finally said in between bursts of laughter. "These riddles are almost one thousand years old. These are translations from a series of Anglo-Saxon riddles from the Exeter Book."

"Exeter book?"

"Yeah, it's an Anglo-Saxon manuscript, so named because it belongs to the library of Exeter Cathedral. These riddles are classic; we studied them in school." He started to laugh again. "Alfred's people created these dirty riddles."

"My people! Humpf," Alfred replied. He attacked his dusting with renewed vigor, but Kid Flash and Robin could detect a glint of humor in his eye. Scandalous riddles written by the Riddler were awkward. Salacious riddles written by Anglo-Saxons were ... asterous.

"So you know the answers?" Robin asked/stated hopefully.

"Teeeeeechnically there are no answers," Kid Flash paused in order for Robin to give him a "you-have-got-to-be-kidding-me" look, "but scholars have come up with proposed answers."

"Thank God," Robin breathed. "I hope the answers are ... uh, not what they seem."

Kid Flash grinned wickedly. "Oh, no. They are exactly what they seem. In ten minutes, we'll be in a sex shop, fighting off the Riddler with dildoes."

Robin looked horrified, although he wasn't sure if he was more horrified at the prospect of fighting a villain in a sex shop or just merely aghast that Kid Flash had used the word dildo in front of Alfred. Just because Wally could mention those kinds of things in front of Barry didn't mean that was common talk around stately Wayne Manor.

Kid Flash laughed. "Dude, kidding. Of course, they have regular answers. Geesh."

"And those answers would be...?"

"Well, now, let's see. Our first riddle is:

'A small miracle hangs near a man's thigh,

Full under folds. It is stiff, strong,

Bold, brassy, and pierced in front.

When a young lord lifts his tunic

Over his knees, he wants to greet

With the hard head of this hanging creature

The hole it has long come to fill.'

The answer is key."

"I should have known," Robin smirked. "No guy would describe himself as merely having a small miracle."

"Now, now, humility is a virtue. Anyway, the next riddle is:

'I heard of something rising in a corner,

Swelling and standing up, lifting its cover.

The proud-hearted bride grabbed at that boneless

Wonder with her hands; the prince's daughter

Covered that swelling thing with a swirl of cloth.'

And the answer is," Kid Flash paused for dramatic effect "bread dough!"

Robin punched some information into the BatComputer. "So we're looking for a bank."

"Hey, Riddler could be robbing a bakery," Kid Flash suggested with a smile.

Robin rolled his eyes, annoyed. "Not whelming."

"The Wall-man was feeling the aster."

Robin turned to face Wally, hands on his hips, in a gesture of mock seriousness. "You know, Kid Stealing-My-Trademark, it would really help if you could be a bit more chalant about this." Robin fixed his friend with his best Bat-glare and tried not to smile.

Although Dick's Bat-glare was good, it wasn't enough to scare Wally. He was pretty immune to Dick's version by now (Batman, of course, was a whole other story). "Someone got up on the wrong side of the nest this morning."

Then, before Robin could reply and continue these shenanigans, the computer beeped. The Boy Wonder turned to look at the results. "We've got two choices. Key Bank in downtown Gotham or Sicaman's Savings and Loan in the Key Building – also downtown."

Kid Flash paused to think. "Let's go with Key Bank, I guess."

Robin shook his head, whipped out his holograph computer and started tapping away. "No, too easy."

"Too easy! You call deciphering thousand-year-old riddles easy!"

Robin smirked. "Well it must be, KF, if you knew the answers."

In retaliation Kid Flash lunged at Robin, who, cackling, easily flipped out of the way. As he perched on a shelf in the cave wall, he suddenly shut down his computer and announced, as he somersaulted to the floor, "Let's go to Sicaman's."

"Any particular reason why?"

"Well, sica is Latin for dagger, and, if you think about it, the answer to that key riddle could be knife sheath."

"Totally!" Wally agreed, English class rushing back to him. "In fact, a less popular answer to the key riddle _is_ dagger sheath. I can't believe I forgot that!"

"And Sicaman's hits both answers," Robin stated, pleased. "So, I'll drive?" He gestured towards his gleaming Robin-Cycle. Wally's eyes bugged out in panic.

"Aww, hell, no. I'm not riding on a motorcycle with you. You're thirteen! You probably drive like a maniac. I'm older; I'll get us downtown."

"You're not old enough to drive either!"

"I'm closer than you are!"

"It's my city!"

"You asked for my help!"

"Yeah, but if you drive, it will be a disaster – heavy on the dis."

"Well, I'm not gonna drive. I've got more efficient forms of transportation."

Robin paused, incredulous. "What? You're gonna pick me up and carry me downtown?"

"Sure. It's one of my moves."

"It's almost twenty miles!"

"Then I guess I'll need a snack first."

In a mere five minutes, Wally had managed to completely clean out Dick's special reserve supply of Batcave snacks.

After wiping away the remains of his feeding frenzy with the back of his hand, Wally announced that he was ready to go. And without further ado, he snatched Robin, and tore out of the Batcave.

Alfred just sighed and shook his head. Sometimes it was a wonder those two accomplished anything when they worked together. On the other hand, it warmed his heart to see people who actually enjoyed life as much as those two did. It was a welcome change from Bruce's dark moods. Given the choice, Alfred would rather have mangled English (asterous and dude being just the tip of the iceberg) than gloomy brooding. Not that he wasn't going to deeply enjoy the peace and quiet that had just descended on Wayne Manor; oh no, he was going to relish that while it lasted.


	2. Chapter 2

**I don't own the characters or the riddles.**

Robin and Kid Flash barreled into the main lobby of Sicaman's Savings and Loan just as Riddler and his men were exiting the large safe. Or, at least, it appeared they were exiting the safe; they had no sacks of money or any other indications they had just stolen something.

"Well, that's odd," Robin murmured, getting up from where Kid Flash had unceremoniously dropped him on the floor. "Did they even steal anything?"

"Robin, no one breaks into a bank at night just to check their safe deposit box. Let's kick some butt!"

"But Kid Flash, we don't even know they committed a crime!"

"Dude, breaking and entering! Let's go. More fighting, less chatting."

"I hope we're not being rash," Robin said, hesitantly springing into action.

Kid Flash, however, had already punched one of Riddler's goons in the face. As he went down with an "oof," Riddler turned to face the newcomer.

"Who are you?" he demanded, seemingly more perturbed by meeting an unknown vigilante than by having his schemes foiled.

"Your worst nightmare," Kid Flash growled.

Even though they were supposed to be working together, Robin couldn't help but shout, "That line is so overused."

"Whatever. I always wanted to say it."

"Ahh, Robin, good to see you again," the Riddler noted calmly as the other vigilante came into view. He nodded his head towards Kid Flash, who was tying up one of his goons, "Who's this character?"

Before Robin could respond, Kid Flash called out, "I'm the one who solved your riddles, Riddler. Although it's technically plagiarism when you don't cite your sources."

"They are clearly out of copyright, my little friend," the Riddler responded calmly.

"Plagiarism isn't about copyright – it's a moral code!"

"Then you shouldn't be surprised I broke it."

Kid Flash had to admit that made sense. "Just the same, you're setting a bad example for the children!"

"Ahh, my ketchup-and-mustard-dressed interlocutor, that is also no surprise."

"All right, Riddler," Robin cut in, "enough pleasantries. What's your game?"

"As always, my game is outsmarting you Batfolk." And with that, the Riddler and his mooks commenced their attack.

Robin immediately began to use his martial arts and acrobatic skills to take down a couple of thugs. Kid Flash began to run super-fast circles around one of the goons, vibrating his molecules in such a way that the man's tommy gun fell apart [let's pretend that's possible, okay?], which left the goon standing there in shock. He had never seen a gun just fall apart before.

Kid Flash shook his head. "You just can't get good guns these days."

Meanwhile, Robin was egging on another thug. "Come on, you can do it. Come and get me." When the thug charged like an enraged bull, Robin deftly leaped out of the way, then proceeded to roundhouse kick the man into submission. Seeing his goons being defeated, Riddler pointed his cane and shot out a smoke bomb.

"Retreat!" he shouted to his cronies, as they crawled along the floor to an exit.

Robin and Kid Flash were caught off guard. Robin recovered first, and after a few coughs, tossed a Robin-rang at the retreating villains. He, sadly, hit nothing.

Kid Flash, however, was coughing up a storm. The smoke bomb had caught him unawares and he was practically hacking up a lung, grasping for less foul-smelling air.

"You gonna make it?" Robin asked, coming up to him.

He nodded. "Yeah...be...okay," he gasped. "Check...safe."

"I will, to see if they stole anything."

"They...must have." Final bout of coughing. "I doubt Riddler has an account here."

"True." Robin scanned the safe for traps, and, seeing none, entered. One safe deposit box was out of place, lying open on the table. "Looks like they were after something in box 5513."

"Hmmm." Kid Flash poked his head in the safe. "Any idea what?"

"Doesn't look like anything's missing. Doesn't look like anything worth stealing, either."

"Do you know who owns the box?" Kid asked.

"I can easily find out." Robin launched his holograph computer and proceeded to hack into the bank's files.

"Let's see...number 5513. Ahh, here we are. Looks like it belongs to one Mr. Basil Montague."

"Ring any bells?" Wally queried hopefully. He certainly had no clue.

Robin shook his head. Mr. Montague wasn't one of Gotham City's elites.

"I bet he's British," Kid Flash proclaimed. "Only British people name their kids Basil."

Robin smiled a little, then leaned down to inspect a bit of cotton. "Hey, I think I know what they were after."

"What?"

"A key." Robin held up the cotton, which had the faint imprint of an old, large key on it.

Kid Flash held out his hand for the cotton. He gazed long and hard at it, then raised it to his nose and sniffed. "Must be old, too. Smells like brass." He passed the cotton back, and Robin tucked it away.

"That looks to be the only thing they took, which is odd. It can't be a house key. You think it opens some kind of secret door or old trunk?"

Kid Flash shrugged. "I've no idea." He pointed to a piece of paper that was sticking out from underneath the safe deposit box. "Maybe those riddles will give us a clue."

"Good call." Robin read the riddles silently, then sighed.

"More Anglo-Saxon riddles?" Kid Flash asked excitedly.

"Yeah." Robin sighed again, just for good measure. "Here we go.

'This strange creature, a stripling boy,

Sought sweet pleasure pumping joy.

His nourishing Bess gave him four

White fountains-murmur and roar

To the boy's delight. A bystander said,

'Alive, that boy will break the downs;

Dead, he'll bind and wrap us round.'

Sounds like...an animal, maybe?"

Kid Flash nodded. "Good work. I remember this one from class. It's an ox. We'll wrap his skin around us as leather."

"Asterous. Okay, here's the other one, and it's looong.

'I am a strange creature shaped for battle

Coated in colors, dear to my lord.

Bright thread lurks and swings in my mail,

Cradles the death-gem, gift of a lord

Who grips and guides my body forward

Through the wide rush of war. In the clear

Court of day, I bear the glint of gold,

Bright song of smiths. Often I slay

Soul-bearers with thrust and slash.

Sometimes the hall-king decks me in silver

Or garnet praise, raises my power

Where men drink mead, reigns my killing

Or cuts me loose, heart-keen, swing-tired,

Through the broad room of war. **S**ometimes I sing

Through the throat of a friend-the curse

Of weapons. No son will seek vengeance

On my slayer when battle-foes ring death.

My tribe will not count children of mine

Unless I lordless leave the guardian

Who gave me rings. My fate is strange:

If I follow my lord and wage war,

Sure thrust of a prince's pleasure,

Then I must stroke in brideless play

Without the hope of child-treasure.

I am bound by an ancient craft to lose

That joy-so in sheer celibacy I enjoy

The hoard of heroes. Wrapped with wire

Like a bright fool, I frustrate a woman;

Steal her joy, slake desire. She rants,

Rails, curses, claps hands, chants

Unholy incantations-bladed words

In a bloodless battle I cannot enjoy.'"

Dick paused a moment for breath. "Please tell me the answer is "sword" or something battle related."

"It's sword."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously. You're getting pretty good at these riddles now."

"Oh, yeah. I'm diggity dank!"

"Dude. Digga-what?" *

"Nevermind. Anyway, I think the riddles point to this crazy collector guy, Angus Espada."

"You're kidding. Angus Espada? Dude, what were his parents thinking?"

"Half-Scottish, half-Peruvian, I think. And let's not get into a conversation about what parents were thinking when they named their kids, okay?"

Wally snickered. "I maintain your name is worse than mine."

Dick glowered and held up his fist. "I maintain your face is about to be worse than mine if we don't get back to business."

"Man, the abuse I put up with. You're worse than Artemis sometimes." He gave an affected, "I'm-so-put-upon" sigh. "Fine. Where does Mr. Espada live?"

"Not too far away. If we run – "

"Oh, we'll run all right," Kid Flash interjected, scooping Robin up and taking off.

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><p>*The phrase "diggity dank" is said by Dick in a 1997 Flash + Nightwing comic, when the two go on vacation together. It is an awesome comic (or diggity dank or asterous, if you prefer).<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: don't own, yada, yada, yada**

**Note: I love it when Dick makes cheesy puns (as he did in the Golden Age/Silver Age comics), so there will be some in this chapter!**

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><p>Kid Flash barged through the front door, not stopping until they were in the Espada living room, where they came face to face with a bound-and-gagged elderly man.<p>

Robin jumped down before Kid Flash could drop him and started to move towards Mr. Espada. Kid Flash quickly stepped in front of him.

"I'll get him. You go after Riddler," Kid Flash instructed, picking a letter opener up from the pile of mail next to the bound man.

Robin nodded and went running off. He could easily follow Riddler and his goons, given that they had left a path of destruction consisting of fallen books and trinkets as they moved through the house.

Kid Flash cut Mr. Espada loose and untied his gag. "Are you okay, sir? You need anything? Some water? An aspirin?"

Mr. Espada shook his head. "I think I'll just sit here and relax." He looked dazed.

Kid Flash nodded. "Don't relax too much. The police will want to talk to you." And with that, he walked over to the phone and dialed 911.

Robin had found the Riddler and his goons in the Espada library. It was a magnificent room, with built-in bookcases, stained glass lamps, and a special cabinet that held old maps. The Riddler was apparently interested in the maps, as he had made quite a mess of them. Several had fallen onto the floor, while others were spilling out of the drawers.

"I don't believe you'll need a map to find your way back to Arkham, Riddler," Robin announced.

"I also don't believe I'll need a map to knock you into the state of oblivion. At him boys!" And the Riddler gestured at Robin, after which his goons all rushed at the vigilante.

Robin socked the first one in the face, sending him crashing to the ground. "Careful, the power of my fist is not to scale."

An aerial kick brought another mook down. "Hopefully, when you go up the river, they can show you the road away from crime."

As the Riddler continued to rifle through the map chest, two other goons began taking books off the library shelves and throwing them at Robin. Robin did a back flip over the reading table (placed in the center of the room) and grabbed a Dickens novel off the shelf. Weighing the tome carefully, he lobbed it at one of the mooks, expertly hitting him upside the head and sending him to the floor. "I had _Great Expectations_ for that one."

The second book-throwing henchman now rushed at Robin, who flipped over the table again and out of the way. Like a charging bull, the man was unable to stop and ran headfirst into a bookshelf. At that moment, Kid Flash entered the library. "Dude, I bet he wasn't at the head of his class," he quipped.

Robin tossed Kid Flash a grin before chucking a Robin-rang at Riddler, who had apparently found what he was looking for and was endeavoring to escape. Riddler, however, saw the object coming and deflected it with his cane.

"Shame, shame, Robin. Now you've made me angry," Riddler drawled. He aimed his cane. "What's black and red and trussed up like a fish?" Before anyone could answer, he responded with, "You! In a net."

Robin had seen the net coming, but was only able to get partially out of the way. The net fell over the lower half of his body, tangling up his feet and causing him to trip. "Kid Flash," he shouted, "Get Riddler!"

Riddler and Kid Flash were at opposite ends of the reading table, staring each other down, trying to anticipate the other's move. Sensing he was caught if he didn't provide for a distraction, Riddler dove onto the table, purposely knocking over a stained-glass lamp.

"Nooooo," Kid Flash cried, lunging for the lamp. He skidded across the floor, just managing to grab the lamp before it hit the ground and shattered. Needless to say, the Riddler skipped over Kid Flash, grabbed up his two mooks who were still conscious, and left.

"Kid Flash, you let Riddler get away!" Robin hissed, a tad peeved. He stood up, the net dangling from his hand.

"Look, sorry, but I couldn't let him destroy this lamp." He gestured towards the stained-glass lamp he had saved from certain destruction. "It's a Depression-era Tiffany stained-glass lamp. Gotta be worth upwards of ten grand." When Robin failed to look convinced, he added, "An asterous piece of art that we should save for posterity."

"I'm more worried about saving posterity from the Riddler," Robin snapped as he tied up the two henchmen for the police.

"There'll be a next time," Kid Flash replied. He wasn't going to offer abject apologies. He knew he was right to save that lamp. It was a work of art, man! Aunt Iris would kill for a lamp like that.

"You called the police?"

"Of course, I'm not incompetent... all the time."

Robin grinned, his good humor returning. "Took the words right out of my mouth."

"So what did Riddler take?" Kid Flash asked as he began to pick up books off the floor.

"Hey! You're messing with the crime scene!"

"I'm just trying to be helpful here. Mr. Espada looks like he has a bad back."

"Fine." Robin didn't think it would matter too much anyway. The cops could figure it out, especially since Kid Flash was just putting the books on the table.

Robin examined the map case and noticed that one drawer had been completely removed and then badly, and hastily, replaced. The drawer contained old maps of cities in the United Kingdom. He began to comb through the maps, which were in alphabetical order, until he came to two riddles.

"Hey KF, what's between Nottingham and Plymouth? Alphabetically."

"Uhh, Oakland," Kid Flash attempted lamely.

Robin frowned. "That's in California."

"You didn't say it had to be in England!"

Robin rolled his eyes. "I'm tonished by your knowledge of geography."

"Hey, a guy can't be good at everything!"

"And the answer is Oxford. Riddler stole a map of Oxford."

"Why did you even ask if you already knew the answer," Kid Flash muttered under his breath. His complaint was drowned out by a strange voice, crying,

"Oh no, not my Oxford!"

"Oh Mr. Espada, I thought I told you to wait in the other room for the police," Kid Flash soothed.

"I wanted to see what the damage was. Thank God they didn't break my lamp."

Kid Flash shot Robin a look.

"Tell me what's special about the map, sir," Kid Flash requested as he guided Mr. Espada back into the other room. Robin picked up a few books in his absence.

A moment later, Kid Flash returned. "He says it's on old, detailed map. Has mini maps of all the colleges and even the museums with it. Apparently, it even identifies secret passages."

Robin was intrigued. "I didn't know Oxford had secret passages."

"Apparently, the UK is full of amazing surprises."

"You sound like Alfred. Anyway," Dick waved the riddles, "we need to move out."

"My turn to read them," Kid Flash said, grabbing the paper. "Let's see what we have.

'Two feathered flappers came together,

Panting and pushing in the open air.

The bright-haired girl, flushed and proud,

Grew big in the belly if the work was good.

Now scholars may need these letters to know

What I'm talking about: O and C,

N and E, K and H, and another C.

The tumblers twist to the letters' key

As the treasure-door swings open

So that solvers can see in the heart

Of the riddle, craft and play. Carousing men

May know the names of the low-down lovers! '"

"Oh I know this one!" Robin exclaimed. "Cock and hen! The letters totally gave it away."

Kid Flash fisted bumped him. "Dippity damp."

Robin sighed. "Diggity dank!"

"Sorry."

"Moving on. Read the second riddle," Robin pleaded, eyes gleaming.

"'On earth this warrior is strangely born

Of two dumb creatures, drawn gleaming

Into the world, bright and useful to men.

It is tended, kept, covered by women-

Strong and savage, it serves well,

A gentle slave to firm masters

Who mind its measure and feed it fairly

With a careful hand. To these it brings

Warm blessings; to those who let it run

Wild it brings a grim reward.'

Any ideas?"

"I'm thinking, I'm thinking."

Kid Flash waited only a few seconds more before saying, "It's fire."

"I was going to say that!"

"Yeah, right. I know you just can't stand my riddle prowess. So, any fires on chicken farms lately? Know a guy named Ignatius Cox or something?"

Robin snapped his fingers. "Ignatius Cox! Of course. He's this crazy old British dude who lives out on Firestone Drive."

"Seriously? I was being facetious."

"Well, I am being cetious. Let's get going!"

And with that, they were off.

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><p>In the <em>Flash + Nightwing<em> comic, Flash does get the phrase "diggity dank" wrong and says something with damp in it, I think. I don't have the exact quote.


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you to everyone who has read, reviewed, favorited, etc. My apologies for not saying this before; I apparently need a lesson in Fan Fiction etiquette.**

**Disclaimer: don't own**

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><p>Ignatius Cox was a retired security expert, meaning his rather unassuming family home was wired up like Fort Knox.<p>

"Okay," Robin began, "I've got a plan for how we can sneak in and avoid detection. First we need to – "

"Do we really need to avoid detection if we're coming to save the day?" Kid Flash interrupted. "So what if the police are alerted? We're going to call them anyway!"

Robin was glad Batman wasn't around to hear this. "Kid Flash, that's not how it's done. No finesse. So what we need to do is – "

"You have some gadget that will hack security codes?"

"Yes, of course."

"Then I'll run us right next to the box, you type in the code and – presto! – we're in."

"Oh, please, that's the lazy man's way out! That's like Superman copping out and just sizzling the alarm away with his x-ray vision. It takes no skill!"

"Hmm, sizzling an alarm. That I'd like to see."

"This calls for strategy, Kid Flash. I have a plan."

"No, we're doing it my way."

"It's my city. And I invited you to help!"

"Well, age and beauty before ..." Wally frowned. That obviously hadn't been the best phrase to manipulate. Now he was just going to sound ridiculous. "Before... you?"

Robin snorted. "That'd be like swine going before pearls."

"Ha, ha." Wally said dryly. He needed to pull out the big guns. "If we don't do it my way, I'll tell Batman you ate some of M'gann's cookies last week, even after he specifically told you no more sugar."

Robin looked offended. "Duuuuude. So not cool! That puts the b in betrayal."

Wally pulled himself up to his full height. "You wouldn't have this problem if you showed your guests proper respect."

"I'm completely whelmed by your generosity." Dick sighed and awkwardly lifted up his arms, signaling (like a small child does) that he was willing to be picked up. "Make this quick."

After dashing into the house, the two discovered that the Riddler had already disabled the alarm (prompting a "duh!" moment for both of them).

"How did he know the code?" Robin hissed, angry he hadn't guessed that Riddler would have already disabled the alarm.

"It's called doing your homework, my pint-sized vigilante," the Riddler replied a few feet away.

"I prefer travel sized, thank you," Robin shot back.

"Or trial size," Kid Flash quipped. "That way we aren't stuck with a whole bunch of you if we don't like the product."

"Well, I'm beginning to weary of both of you," Riddler noted. And without further ado, he tossed down a firecracker that erupted into blinding light.

As Kid Flash and Robin staggered backwards, the Riddler's remaining goons came charging through the clearing smoke. One went straight for Robin, while the other attacked Kid Flash.

"Aaarrgggghh," Kid Flash growled, sounding like a cross between a pirate and a stuck pig. Darting out of the way, Kid Flash ran circles around the thug, making the man dizzy. One quick shove and the man fell heavily to the floor. Kid Flash quite chivalrously allowed him to get back on his feet before he proceeded to kick and punch him to defeat. When the goon obligingly fell a second time, Kid Flash deftly tied him up with an extension cord he had found at the scene. One down.

Robin, meanwhile, was tiring his opponent out. Just when the goon thought he was close enough to land a punch or a kick, Robin would back flip out of reach again. A couple of times, though, the acrobat's aim was "off" and he ended up kicking the thug in the face as he flipped away. Accidents happen, you know.

After several flips had gone astray, Robin could tell his opponent was becoming exceedingly angry, and with great anger came great sloppiness. All he had to do was wait for an opening...

And there it was. As the goon let lose a particularly ill-aimed punch, Robin sprang forward, grabbed the guy's arm, and twisted them both through the air in a forward flip. Since the guy was neither expecting this move nor prepared for it, he didn't move his body correctly (just as Robin had intended), and a rather sickening sound ensued as he dislocated a shoulder.

Kid Flash looked over from where he was trussing up the other thug. "I've heard of breaking a leg in a performance, but that's just ridiculous."

"Oh, please, it's just dislocated. It's easily fixed." And with that, Robin reached down and popped the villain's shoulder back into the socket.

The man screamed and writhed in pain on the floor. Robin calmly reached down and put some Batcuffs/Robincuffs around his ankles, just to be sure he wouldn't get away before the police came.

"Relax, buddy," Kid Flash attempted (not very successfully) to soothe the thug. "He was just trying to give you a hand."

"More like an arm," Robin quipped.

With their two opponents otherwise engaged, Kid Flash and Robin moved away, back towards the part of the house in which they had first seen the Riddler. Not surprisingly, he had already made his escape.

"Great," Kid Flash muttered. "He used those goons as sacrificial lambs. He was probably out the door as soon as he threw that firecracker."

"Yeah, he knew we'd take care of those thugs, so he decided to cut and run."

"Well, we'll smoke him out and bring him to justice."

"Just as soon as we find his riddle."

They were now standing in front of the kitchen door.

"I sense a trap," Kid Flash stated.

"No duh."

"Well, throw one of your little boomerang thingies in there to double check."

"Boomerang thingies?" Robin queried in disgust. With a sigh and a sad shake of his head, he tossed a Robin-rang into the kitchen. The 'rang obligingly tripped the Riddler's trigger, and a cake, which had been positioned in the center of the table, exploded, sending pastry, frosting, and a riddle flying.

"Holy happy birthday," Robin murmured, not even fully conscious he was reverting back to childhood habits.

"That's putting the icing on the cake-per," Kid Flash added.

Gingerly picking their way around the dessert-bespeckled kitchen, the two maneuvered into the far corner to retrieve the riddle. Robin bent down to pick it up, and, brushing some cake off the outside, noticed the riddle was shorter than the previous ones. It was also in a different writing style. This one was a Riddler original. Quickly, Robin read the enclosed doggerel:

'I want to take a hostage

Some sterling for to gain

His surname implies he's worth less

But he gave geld to Danes.'

"Oh, shit," Robin said. "He's going to kidnap Alfred."

"What! You mean we could have stayed at the Manor and waited for the Riddler to come to us?"

Robin sighed. "I think you're missing the point here."

"Are you sure it's Alfred?" Kid Flash realized this was probably a dumb question as Robin had been dealing with the Riddler for years. He wasn't too likely to majorly screw up a riddle.

"Yes, here." Robin handed the paper to Kid Flash.

He quickly read the riddle. "It's Alfred all right. But this –'' he held up the paper – "is why I love Riddler."

"Because he's kidnapping Alfred?"

"No, because he writes awesome riddles."

"You just like it because it appeals to your sick sense of humor."

Kid Flash rolled his eyes. "Hey, credit where credit is due. He may be an archvillain, but he is one good riddle-writer. So, ready to go?"

Robin looked like he was coming out of a daze. "Kid Flash, I know what his plan is."

"Yeah, to kidnap Alfred! We already figured that one out, buddy."

"No, after that. He wants to steal the Alfred jewel."

"Alfred jewel?"

"It's a gold and quartz object dating from the reign of, maybe even made for, Alfred the Great, king of England. It's in the Ashmolean Museum in Oxford."

Kid Flash gave Robin a "you-are-some-kind-of-nerd" look. "How do you even know this?"

"What?" Robin pouted slightly. "Batman makes me read books about all kinds of things. You might try it sometime."

"Yeah, I don't know. I'm kinda busy fending off all the babes from school. Everyone wants a piece of the Wall-man."

Dick just sighed and dropped his face into his hand. Sometimes Wally was a bit too much.

Wally, to his credit, sensed it was time to get back to business. "So, Riddler's just kidnapping Alfred for money? To finance his trip abroad?"

"I guess. And because Alfred has the same name as the jewel."

Wally rubbed his chin in thought. "So the key from the bank must open the case containing the jewel, the map of Oxford will help him get around, and the security codes for the Ashmolean must be in that packet he stole!"

"Yeah, and the riddles even match up. He stole a key when we had a key riddle, a map of Oxford – or Oxenford (the town's original name) – when we had an ox riddle, and he stole codes for the Ashmolean from a guy whose first name is derived from the Latin for fire. Man, he's good!"

"I second that!" Kid Flash declared. "He is one lean, mean, riddle-writing machine. I bet he could out riddle even – "

"Can we please go save Alfred now?" Robin chirped, interrupting Wally's homage to the Riddler.

"Oh, right, yeah. Wayne Manor coming up!"

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><p><strong>I hope the explanation of the riddles was not too tedious<strong>.


	5. Chapter 5

**The Last Chapter. Thanks again, everyone, for the reviews, favorites, alerts, and reading. I appreciate it.**

**Disclaimer: Alas, I own nothing.**

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><p>The two arrived in the foyer of Wayne Manor before the Riddler and his men. But not much before.<p>

"Alfred?" Robin shouted. "Allllll-fred!"

"Hurry," Kid Flash, who had his ear against the door, hissed. "They're at the gate!"

"Okay, okay. Alll-fred!" Robin shouted again.

"I'm right here. Kindly use your inside voice, young sir," replied a crisp British voice as it moved from the kitchen towards the foyer.

"No, Alfred, stay back!" Robin called, waving his arms.

"Too late!" Kid Flash proclaimed, as he jumped back from the door, which promptly exploded all over the foyer, ripping the door off its hinges and tearing a huge hole in the front wall.

"My word," Alfred murmured calmly, although he looked like he wanted to cry. He had not heeded Robin's warning and had come into the foyer for this? This...this...abomination!

The Riddler had evidently been delayed in picking up some fresh goons because a whole passel of them invaded the entryway.

"Take care of them," Riddler shouted to his underlings. "I'll get the old man."

"Old man!" Alfred sputtered.

"Out of the way, Mr. Pennyworth," Robin shouted, diving in front of Alfred as the Riddler released yet another net from his cane. Alfred was pushed out of the foyer and towards the kitchen, although he hung on the threshold in case he was needed.

"You brat! Ruining my plans again!" Riddler shouted. He was especially incensed because Robin had avoided being caught in the net.

The vigilante kicked the net behind him, farther away from Riddler. "Bring it, Nygma."

Kid Flash, meanwhile, was running circles around the thugs, then periodically pausing to punch one of the dizzy guys. Just to spice it up, though, he also kicked a few and slammed a couple into the walls. For variety.

Since the Riddler had retreated, Robin was doing the same to the fresh batch of mooks that had rushed at him. A punch here, a roundhouse kick there, and any number of guys were flying into the walls or going down for the count.

In fact, that flying into the walls was proving to be something of a problem, as each successive man took a hefty chunk of plaster down with him.

Glimpsing Alfred out of the corner of his eye, Robin saw the butler's horrified expression as he looked at the ruined foyer.

"Hey, Kid Flash, let's take this outside. Mr. Pennyworth isn't a fan of the destruction!"

Kid Flash turned quickly to look at Alfred. He didn't look good. "He does look positively apoplectic!" With that, Kid Flash started heaving goons out the door (well, hole in the wall). After a few more punches, Robin did the same.

For a few brief moments, the battle became a bit fiercer, as the vigilantes could no longer toss the thugs against the wall in order to render them immobile and/or unconscious. But the hired help were ultimately no match for Robin and Kid Flash, who soon finished them off.

The two proceeded to race back inside (as it were), in order to help Alfred against the Riddler. The older man was fending off the Riddler with a rolling pin, expertly parrying the criminal's attempts to hit him with his cane. As Robin ran towards the faithful butler, Kid Flash body tackled Riddler, which the erudite villain certainly did NOT appreciate.

"Get off me, you beast," Riddler snarled, pushing and clawing at Kid Flash.

Kid Flash obliging rolled off of Riddler and even started to haul him to his feet. As soon as Riddler was standing, albeit it a bit dazed, Robin yelled "Duck!"

Knowing he didn't mean "quack," Kid Flash dove aside, narrowly escaping the clutches of the net (Riddler's own net, in fact) that Robin threw over the villain.

"And that about wraps it up!" Kid Flash cried triumphantly.

"Yeah," Robin agreed. "As easy as shooting fish in a net, eh, Riddler?"

Riddler "harumphed" and said nothing.

"Riddle me this, Kid Flash: how much time will Riddler get for this caper?"

"Well, between attempted kidnapping and all the robberies, I bet this shenanigan will _net_ him twenty years!"

The two vigilantes laughed at their own hilarity, while (unbeknownst to them) Alfred and the Riddler shared a sigh and an eye roll.

After the police had left with the criminals and photos of the damage had been taken for homeowners' insurance claims, Kid Flash and Robin appeared in their civvies as Dick and Wally.

"So, Alfred, you need any help cleaning up this mess?" Wally gestured at the plaster-dusted, one-wall-missing foyer.

"No, no, Master Wallace. Thank you for asking, but I'm sure you have your own work to attend to."

"Well," Wally glanced at Dick, who shrugged, "if you're sure. I guess I'll head back to Mount Justice then."

"Do take some cookies with you, sir."

Wally grinned and pulled a Ziploc bag out of his coat pocket. "Dick already hooked me up with some."

Alfred nodded approvingly. "Nice to see you're being a good host, Master Dick."

Wally grinned at Alfred. "I'm glad you're okay. Thanks for the cookies, and I'll see you later."

Alfred smiled back. "You're quite welcome, Master Wallace. Do come visit again."

"If you keep supplying me with cookies, you'll be seeing me often."

Wally then walked over to Dick and gave him a goodbye fist-bump. "Later. And thanks for calling me. That was really fun. We should do it again sometime."

Dick nodded. "Yeah."

"Well, see you back at Mount Justice." And with that, Wally was gone, a colored blur on the horizon.

Dick stood there for a moment awkwardly looking between Alfred and the disaster-ridden foyer. He rubbed the back of his neck nervously.

"Soooo. I guess maybe I should be getting back to my homework."

"Not yet, Master Dick. You're going to help me clean this place up." Alfred shoved a broom (which seemed to have miraculously appeared of its own accord) into Dick's hands.

"But you told Wally you didn't need any help!"

"I told Master Wallace that I didn't need _his_ help. I most certainly need yours."

"But – "

"Master Wallace was a guest. This is your home, Master Richard."

Dick sighed resignedly and started sweeping.

"And while I highly approve of you working cases with your closest friends, I certainly hope that when you two 'do this again sometime,' you don't mean this." Alfred gestured at the ruined foyer. "Otherwise, I might have to ground you from your night activities until you learn proper housekeeping."

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><p><strong>Extra-special thank you (again) to all who reviewed!<strong>

**One reviewer (who is awesome!) said it would be cool to see Robin and Kid Flash tracking Riddler in England. Would that be cool? I love the Riddler and I love England so I could certainly make that happen if people would be interested. If you feel so inclined, let me know. Thanks!**


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